Losing Your Religion

 I used to see religion as a warm, safe place. 

 It was somewhere that created a routine, a social network, and a place of belonging. 

 Oh, and we were right. About everything. And that’s a great feeling, being right.

 Never having to doubt. 

Knowing my neighbor was wrong, but I was right. 

It was strange how every other religion was Oh So Wrong. 

So clear how they hurt other people. So obvious that the adherents were worshiping themselves, rather than a god. 

And then I..changed. 

They’d say that I fell away. The people in the pews. Because I was no longer convinced that I was better than others. 

That I could be cruel, selfish, vain, and legalistic, and it was okay if I sat in a pew on Sunday.

In fact, I could doubt and wonder and process as much as I needed, if I kept mindlessly repeating the same tropes as everyone in the pew.

Recite the same Bible verses. Sit in the same seat. Drink the same bad coffee. Go to the same Bible studies.

Rinse and repeat. 

That was faith. That was all they asked of me.

In hindsight, it would've been easy. Easy to claim it. Easy to be mindless. Easy to not think and search and discover and ask. 

But I did not choose easy.

The result that was that people who claimed to be my sibling in Christ...gossiped about me. Bemoaned my lack of outward religiosity, while wondering why I gave so freely and loved so deeply.

As I searched and ached to believe, I was told I was wrong for asking. For wondering. For not mindlessly repeating the same spiel.

"Just conform. Put on a legalistic cloak. Put your brain away. It's too strong for a woman, anyway. Make the burned coffee on Sunday morning. We'll even let you have a job and wear pants. Don't you always want to be right?"

There are people in churches today who love Jesus and love others. There are people in churches who do kind actions for others. Who give generously, who look out for others, and rarely, who don't demand you conform.

But they are rare and far between.

So when asked why I fear churches, the answer is this: I do not know the make up of these churches. I do not know how many people truly love Jesus and others and how many people just love themselves and the assurance that they are right.

We wonder why other religions produce suicide bomber adherents that froth at the mouth at the idea of slaughtering others. But we only need to in the mirror to see how "othering" works and how quickly we can feel safe in the insular world that is our religion.

So next time someone tells you they are uncomfortable with religion, a church, or believe differently than you, ask them why? 

Ask them what experiences have made them recoil at organized religion and its adherents. And then look at your own life, and wonder if you have pushed people away. If your worship is of yourself, of being right, or of the organization.

Jesus of Nazareth sat with tax collectors, prostitutes, and lepers. Not because He esteemed himself higher, but because He loved them. 

Do you live out Jesus?